About Me

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


Quiet, little Shady. We can have a conversation without saying a word. Our bodies will speak for us, won't they? Hehehe

It's been too long. My ears are still ringing from that last party in November... Hehehe what a crazy night.

I bet you're wondering about how things went that evening? Well, if you haven't read Shady's or Dia's blog updates then I assume you are completely in the dark. If you've been waiting diligently by your computer for my update concerning the topic, then I guess you won't mind waiting a little longer now. Hehehe. I won't be making a huge update tonight, I've had a very very eventful week. Lots of late nights, lots of failed experiments and then lots of wonderful successes... Oh the things I have in store. New Jersey won't ever be the same, baby. 

The point is, I'm tired. For the first time in a long time. I think its the holiday season, the crappy Christmas music is starting to get to me. Seriously, I've had this stuff flooding my ear drums since before Halloween. Somebody needs to die.

The reason for this blog post is to let all of my adoring fans and students know that I am indeed ALIVE! Hehehe I bet you were worried I went down with the warehouse.

Nyuck nyuck nyuck. NOT TODAY! 

But I'd like to post a few relevant topics to keep your tongues whet until I can find time to post again.

1. I'm writing a play. Get excited ;)
2. Shady and I are going to be seeing a lot of each other in the future... hehehe that I can promise you. 
3. Bombs. My newest interest. Bombs and bullets, so many things you can do with them if you hollow them out and fill them with fun things...
4. Dreams. Lots and lots of dreams. 
5. Live radio talk shows.

I'll be posting a summary of what happened at the party soon. :3 

I'll be updating again soon, my little acolytes. I hope you're eager to read.


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Countdown Begins: Now.

Hehehe well look at this… Turkey Day already!

I love stuffing… Mmmmm delicious. With a side of Shady, down right extra-ordinary ;)

Why do they call it a gravy boat?

Anyways, I’m a bundle of joy on this splendorous day! My beautiful Lady and I have had a most magnificent time together; it makes me so sad to think that it’s coming to an end. Oh well, better to have known love and to have lost than to have never stuck it in the back with a sterilized needle <3

Tomorrow is Fright Night 2011, and I must say it’s going to be a very small, intimate get together ;)

I can barely contain my excitement. The rooms I’ve designed for your viewing pleasure are simply pieces of artwork from a misunderstood genius.

But that will change… Hehe

So let me update you on a few things:

First and foremost, I have been in close contact with my guests. I’ve supplied them with a wonderful array of information concerning how the party will work (But withholding all of the surprises, of course) and I think I’ll be posting some of the conversations here just for giggles.

I just have to say, small talk with Ferus was amusing. He should have his own talk show. Hehe watch out Oprah…

As for Ike… Don’t self mutilate yourself too much; I need you to be in good shape for when your time comes. Which could be sooner or later.

Secondly, Shady finally warmed up to me over a romantic blow torch lit dinner ;) After a couple of days of getting to know each other and intense verbal foreplay I think I finally pierced her heart. Figuratively speaking… Hehehe

When I’m trying to cook something edible, I cook it well. I should audition for the next season of Top Chef.

Actually, there a lot of shows I should audition for… Hehe I’m multitalented.

Shady certainly had a lot to drink and ended up getting a little tipsy and rolling all over the place. She’s very entertaining to watch when drunk. She goes through quite a few stages… My favorite stage is when she gives up fighting her emotions and snuggles up to you on the couch… Hehehe

Embarrassed my dear? Don’t be! Don’t hide your love for me from the world.

You and I are a lot alike, you know. We only differ in a few ways… I accept who I am and have fun with it. You deny yourself and pretend to be “yourself”. We both know what runs through that delicious little mind of yours. I think someday you’ll step out of the proverbial closet and join me on my quest to educate the world for the future.

We’ve only got so much time left, darling. 2012 is coming. Hehehehe

But seriously…

You’re missing something, Shady. You’re a translator without a code…

Just a nudge in the right direction and I think you’ll stumble upon a profound revelation. Even now, your thoughts are turning.

You’re so close to sublime ecstasy, but you’re afraid of it… or are you? Hehehe you fascinate me. Do I fascinate you?

Are you fascinated?

Students, the semester is starting up soon. Hehehe are you ready for the next session?

When things settle down again and I get bored, I think I’ll explain a few things about my past. How did I get into this line of business? Have I always been this magnificent? What kind of deodorant do I use? What haven’t I told you?

Speaking of things I haven’t told you…

I’m baking a cake for the party!

Sounds nomnomnom-worthy, right? Hehehe who wants a sample ;)

OH, and Twister is the best game ever.

Besides Hangman…

And scrabble. With dynamite involved.

All right, what am I talking about?

Thanksgiving time, kiddies.

Monday, November 21, 2011

November 25th

I'm very excited. Its no coincidence that I scheduled my day of fun and fear for the day after Thanksgiving. What's more fun than harassing your friends while they're still bloated from Turkey Day? Hehehe.

I'm making this post to drop a little information for all of my lovely guests...

Now that we're approaching the big day, I thought I should fill you in on a few things before we hit the dance floor. 

First things first: Keys. Ye' old warehouse has multiple entrances, and after reserving your spot at the party I'll set a key aside with your name on it. Each key opens a specific door that leads into a special "themed" room of the warehouse. All of the rooms are connected, and you get to crawl around as you please exploring my wonderland. :) 

Now, I know some of my guests have a bit of bad blood between them. Please save all dancing for the dance floor. Hehehe don't worry, everyone will get an opportunity to dance.

The themes of the rooms are a surprise, so you'll just have to wait and see what's waiting to see you ;)

Oh, another note: Please, if you want to murder someone ask for said person's permission to murder them. If they say yes, make sure you let me get it on camera. For memories sake. <3 You know how it is with the big man and memories.

My head is hurting and I have to prepare a romantic dinner for the beautiful Lady waiting for me...I'll post more information later. I need an aspirin. 

Friday, November 18, 2011


Cannibalistic babies. Think about it. Scarier than any horror movie you could ever imagine.

Anyways, what was I going to say? Oh right! Shady and I have had quite a wonderful time together, thus far. On the ride home, Shady was so cute. If I didn't have plans for my own, I'd pull her eyes out of her head and save them forever. Her eyes are lovely. 

Have you ever had one of those magical moments when you make eye contact with a beautiful girl and you suddenly get the urge to move to Alaska and settle down to have a family? Neither have I, but I DID have a wonderful revelation the other day. Oh the things that are running through my mind!

Dear Victor, 
Stop being selfish. You can have Shady later. It's my turn to have fun. 

I still have my employer to lean on if any party crasher's show up. So I suggest you all avoid trying to play the hero. Or the villain. I've been cast as both roles. Hehehe my show. But what kind of a show is it? I've always enjoyed dark musicals. Sweeney Todd is a classic... I am not a fan of meat pies though. 

First day with Shady was very eventful. After getting back to my secret lair, I showed her to the basement showed her my office. Hehehe then we played operation, and she loved it.

Just kidding, we didn't play operation! We played doctor. I patched her more major wounds up with my medical kit (Which Doctor Proctor had so rudely used on Lullaby or... DeMii or whoever it is he knocked up while he was here) and gave her some medication for any possible infections she might have. 

Ferus, you sure did a number on her. Victor, if you wanna eat somebody go eat Ferus. But wait until after the party! 

On the topic of the good old Doctor who turned out to be a divine idiot named Thuggee, I wonder why he knocked DeMii up. Family drama issues... 

Until I can find better accommodations for my dearest doll, she'll be slipping in my office. Hehehe I let her decide if she wanted the chains and whips or not. 

Shady, welcome back to Jersey. I hope you like my house. You'll be staying here until the party... 

Let's get cozy and snuggle up with a cup of tea. Hehehehehe. 

I wonder if she will like the games I have planned for us?

I wonder if you find this post extremely kinky ;)


Monday, November 14, 2011

What A Day

Oh Shady, my dear.

Finally. <3

Its been far too long. You and I... hehe we'll keep this party going until the world stops spinning! I have so many things for us to do together!

Reunited and it feels so good.

Thanks, Executor. I appreciate you sending her my way :D

And now.... oh the things I must do.



So much on my mind, its a beehive in here.

This has been a gorgeous week.

Why do you poison? I do, because I am.

I'm so giddy. Hehehehe.

Everything is wrapping up, and with a bow I leave this here for my guests.


If you're coming to the party, you should RSVP to that email address. I'll respond with details on when and where the party is at. Also, you'll find a very special treat in your inbox. Doors doors doors! Lots of doors, only one warehouse and plenty of rooms for fun little games. Hehehehe.

Well, I don't have much time to talk. I have to go buy batteries for some toys. So I'm going to go now.

See you soon!

P.S. In the spirit of Fright Night, you should prepare a costume for the party :)
P.S.S. Wear something underneath your costume as well. Hehehe you may not be leaving it ;)
P.S.S.S. That's not meant to be sexual, Shady. ;) Hehehe or is it?

Friday, November 4, 2011

Fright Night 2011

Hey kiddos! Its that time of year again! Actually, it was that time of year last month but I was occupied with stalking a potential new jacket :)

Time to throw a (belated) Fright Night Extravaganza in honor of my favorite holiday, Halloween! There will be lots of games and fun to play, like Pin The Dart On The Shady, and Dissect The Kitten! Food and scalpels will be provided, so don't worry about bringing equipment along with you! Oh and lets not forget the big costume context! Just cut off your least favorite neighbor's face and wear it as your mask and whoever has the most intact (and attractive) face wins!

I've rented a white van in case we want to go out on the town for a bit of fun, and I've stocked up on baseball bats and parachute chord!

I bet you're wondering about whether or not you're invited to this little shindig, well I've got good news for you: if you're reading this post you are now officially invited to the party!

Now for the official guest list :)
- TheShadyLady**
- Ferus
- DeMii*
- Lullaby
- Prosper
- The Executor*
- Ike**
- 3HA3CIM3*
- Gallows
- Grave
- Victor**
- Lucas
- Mister Creevey***
- Dia
- Trinity**
- Tim
- Road Runner

Wondering what the asterisks mean? Hehehe well it wouldn't be a party if I spoiled all of the surprises.

If you are available to party, comment with your home address (Or wherever you're currently located :)) and I can come get you! I have plenty of room in my basement where you can wait until the party is ready!

Also, I'll be going to the supermarket to get snacks and drinks. Please, feel free to pick your poison ;)
I can make more posts about Fright Night if you want more details (Like what games we'll be playing and etc), just ask :D

Oh and Thuggee/Doctor Proctor (Whoever the heck he is) isn't invited so you don't have to worry about him crashing the party!

Hehehe and Shady... you and I need to talk. Its been too long. I feel like there is something between us...

Oh and one last thing. Some of you may not want to come to the party because of past "issues" you may have with me... Lets let bygones be bygones. If you don't show up, I might just have to go have a party with your family and friends sometime.

Anyways, I'll see you guys later! I've gotta go collect some kids from the park for the more "cannibalistic" guests.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011



Something doesn't feel quite right, buddies.

Something's up.

Oh, and by the way,

Fright Night is still on. Hehehe its just postponed until a later date...

My head hurts. My stomach feels empty.

I'm hungry.

I wonder what cat tastes like?

Mmmmm I wonder what Shady tastes like.


Monday, October 17, 2011


Hehehe I've been having a lot of black outs lately. Makes me wonder what the boss is doing. Anyone mind explaining how my favorite leather jacket got torn apart like this?

Big guy, you owe me a new jacket. That was genuine leather from Italy. 

Anyhow, I've decided to take up sowing as a hobby. It just seems like a useful skill to have, especially with my plans for little ol' Ike. I forgot to ask him what his skin tone was... Poo, I guess I'll just find out for myself in a little while.

Hehehe don't be too scared, kid. I'm just in the market for a Halloween costume. Har har har ;)

Do you have any siblings? I don't have the attention span to read your blog for more than three seconds, so... ya, if you could just list the height and weight of all of your siblings and your parents, that would be much appreciated! 

How are all of my students today? Hehe its October, and I think we all know what that means! Time to have some fun! Who wants my recipe for licorice whips? They are a bang at parties. My caramel corn has a sweet and sharp taste like no other! And lets not forget that I make a killer pot pie! 

I absolutely adore this holiday <3 Its like a second birthday to me!

Who should I invite to my house for my annual fright night party? Wanna see my guest list? Shady, you're at the top, but you'll NEVER guess who else is. Hehehe 

So much to talk about, but I'm too excited to sit for long! I think I'll pay my friends a visit. I hope you don't mind if I stop by to say hello, Doctor.

See you later,

Monday, October 3, 2011


I think it is about time that I rekindle the good old furnace and visit a few bloggers at their homes.

Ya, that's right. Nobody is safe. I actually have a list in my back pocket of people I'd LOVE to stick a syringe into, but I won't ruin the surprise by publicizing it! You think me for a fool?

Anyhow, I'm done observing from a distance. Shady is off having fun, getting herself into trouble, and I don't mind waiting for her to get home before we resume our relationship. You know what that means, love? It means that until you come back to me, I get to poke needles into other innocent people... some of which, you may know personally :)

Jealous that you aren't whoring my attention anymore? Hehehe you can stick that in a juice-box and suck on it babe.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. You know what that means to me? It means that when I say "Run" you say "I can't because I'm too petrified by fear". Hehehe so I'm going to be having a lot more fun than usual.

I'll be raiding a local animal shelter later tonight for some new test subjects, I've got some recipes to play with.

Dear Followers,
Before you go to sleep tonight, send a poisonous reptile in the direction of your in-law's/neighbor's/child's bedroom. It'll be a great way to liven up the evening, while at the same time eliminating a mouth to feed at breakfast! Just avoid being bitten by the before mentioned reptile. That would be counter-productive.

I'm trying to hit all the topics that are flooding behind my eyelids. These glorious doves that swim through the air and explode into nuclear mushroom clouds that I call my thoughts. NEXT TOPIC.

These dreams keep getting more elaborate. It's getting obnoxious. I'm wondering why the big man keeps sending me these things. Hey, Executor, you awake? Can I schedule an appointment with the skinny guy in the suit? Hehehe.

As for work, I've got lots in the future I'm planning. All I can say is that you'll either want to punch my face in, or give birth to my children. More likely, the latter. Cough cough, Shady. Cough cough.

Lullaby Lullaby Lullaby, I'm reconsidering letting you go. I think poking holes in you with my tools would be a great way of getting back at Mr. Proctor.

Or not. It depends on how I feel next week.

As for this week, anybody wanna play a game of darts later? I'll provide the darts and poison, and New Jersey will provide the targets.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Intellectuals Around The World

Gross. Shady is off to who-knows-where, and I have to find her again. 

You're lucky, beautiful. You got away before I could set up my observation equipment. I had solar powered cameras and everything, ready to set up... You spoil all my fun, sometimes.

Then again, I do enjoy a good chase. 

I've been writing a lot of poetry lately. I like expressing myself through the arts, but unfortunately I ran out of bodies to write on. My basement floor is a mess. Hehehehe. I've got to restock my fridge. 

People really should be thanking me for what I do. I keep the New Jersey population count under control. ;)

Speaking of babies, I bet Mystery feels like she's starring in a new season of Degrassi. Hehehe. Geez, I tried to warn you guys. I'm not really interested in fornicating, so I found it pretty nasty that they kept... you know... having fun in the basement. I WAS fascinated by Doctor P's use of my medical equipment... I chose a bad day to sterilize that crap. Sterilization is overrated, from now on I will let my victim's clean my tools with their tongues alone. 

Oh Lullaby, seeing as I'm technically to blame for you and Doc ever meeting, is it okay if I babysit? Can I be its uncle? 

Bah, you people bore me. I've never really been interested in any of you, excluding Shady. Mystery, you need to find friends that aren't dead. Seriously, talking to ghosts and stuff is just creepy. And no, the people that live with you aren't your friends. Someday, when the chips are down, they'll stand by you no matter what. REAL friends would know that you're not worth keeping around and leave you to die. :) 

The test of true friendship is whether or not they let you inject them with poisonous chemicals... That's trust! 

I do it all the time, actually. That's why I don't have very many friends :) Hehehehe.

But seriously, Lullaby, you should just jump out a window. You're boring and I thought we could be friends, but you're too selfish. Doc, you can shoot yourself. I don't like you.

Speaking of Doc, I might need to be seeing one soon. Hehehe I'm dreaming again, and only wonderful things come from my dreams! Only problem is that my dreams are acting funny. I keep seeing other people in the dreams... completely irrelevant people. The Executor... Mystery and some other crazies from her group... Some soldier punks in uniform... the big man himself...

That isn't even the beginning of the weirdness... 

Oh well, why am I even talking about this? It's not like I'm questioning my sanity or anything... Hehehehe

How are you, my intellectual followers? Have you punished your neighbor's dog for his obnoxious barking? Have you pushed your rebellious child into a lawn mower yet?

I want to know how all of you are, because my students inspire me.

Also, anyone got any suggestions on where the little lady I be searching for can be found, yaaarrr?

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Magicians Love Acid

Aw Shady, my darling. Thuggee busted you up good. Serves you right, bad girl. You didn't even play along with my game.

Hehehe oh well, no matter how boring Doctor P and Lullaby were I still enjoyed the adrenaline rush involved in capturing them. Doc was a lot easier to nab than I thought he would be. It was a little disappointing.

I feel like a magician sometimes. I never reveal my tricks, and even the tricks I reveal aren't really revealed until I reveal them for real. Hehehe you catch my drift?

I have a hilarious story about a magician, actually. Have you ever switched a magician's regular deck of playing cards with a deck of playing cards coated in highly volatile chemicals? It's the BEST kind of show. I'm not much of a gambler, but I do love Vegas' magicians and performers. It gives me great opportunities to play around and try some new tricks in front of the public eye, without actually being in the public eye.

Geez, I've been dizzy lately. My eyes were kinda red this morning, I guess I'm not sleeping well or something. I can't remember actually waking up, to be honest... or falling asleep. Its in the job description, I guess.

I'm realizing how many times I say "I guess" and "Anyways" and other stuff like that. Hehehe repetitive brain, cycling through the words I use every day. Oh golly gee, psychology <3 Or something like that.

Well, I guess I should tell you about my day. I really only did one thing.... hehehehe I grabbed my favorite pair of stalking shoes and went out to creep. Shady looked so pretty today. You really have a great complexion when you're enraged at those idiots who call themselves MASC. I was almost tempted to sneak into the mansion for a closer look... your security isn't the greatest, honey.

But I didn't. Maybe I'll stop by and say hi tomorrow. I think I'm gonna go do something productive, this blog is distracting me from my science projects. I bought a couple of puppies earlier. Got wonderful plans, wonderful plans indeed! Do you like biochemical warfare? Do chemists turn you on? ;)

Hehehe I'm feeling spunky today. So spunky. I think you'd find it cute, Shady.


Monday, September 19, 2011


Shady never came... Not even for two hostages! Hehehe I guess you just don't care, do you? I thought you would find me... I thought you would come and try and save them... Women are so unpredictable.

I'll just have to get you to come to my house for tea some other way. If I wasn't so moody today, I'd go do something nasty to Lullaby for the sake of getting a nice reaction from you. Shady. I want to see your face. I want your vengeance. Come on, don't you remember all the fun times we had with The Executor? You're so self absorbed, you don't even care about me anymore do you? Stupid Thuggly stealing your affection... I thought this whole bit with Lullaby would get me some brownie points. I guess I'm just gonna have to do something EVEN BIGGER to get your attention.

Hehehe why is it so cold suddenly? Stupid New Jersey weather. I hate you. I have a funny story about my pet hamster and a microwave but... I'm just not feeling it today.

Fine. Have them back. I'm letting them go. They're boring anyway. All they did was sit down in the basement and act like a bunch of... hehehe... I'll let them tell you about it. I wish I could see their faces when they do.

I was tempted to go down there a couple of times to interrupt them, but... Actually, I don't remember why I stayed upstairs. I remember having a headache. I think I drank too much or something. What did I drink? I can't even remember. I like gin and tea. It was one of those. I can't remember if I dropped something in it to give it an extra kick or not... I just remember... stuff. Never-mind. 

Bah, my head is being funny. I'm just gonna get this post over with and go, I need to go kill somebody.

Basically, Lullaby and Doctor will be back at the mansion later. I'm letting them go. I didn't have any fun with them or anything, they were completely boring and lame. It's more fun to harass them publicly, with paranoia and stuff.

It's gross seeing those two together... Not my type of entertainment.

Next time Doctor gets on my nerves, I might just kill him. As for Lullaby... hehehe, well that's a different case.

Okay well...

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Oppertunity, bless my soul!

Why hello there. I've got a lot of topics to cover today, and I'll start at the top of the list.

Breaking development: Thuggee. What a chump. I'm not the jealous type, but this weirdo is pushing my buttons. I hate it when people touch my stuff. This freak psychic egomaniac is creeping on my Lady. Bub, that's my job. I'm on the fence about him, he's got power but he lacks style. He shows up, upstaging me and stealing my spotlight... He's got nothing on the big man, but he certainly does know how to make a statement.

I can't decide whether or not to hate him or admire him. It's almost gross how much he showed off. Part of me wishes I could invade peoples minds like he did, but part of me says "It wouldn't be fun if you had all the answers to the crossword puzzle, right?". The journey is more important than the destination, right? Hehehe.

Anyways, Thuggly better watch out what he drinks. I have this nasty tendency of mixing chemicals into... well, EVERYTHING. I might just figure out a way to tame the lion. Sedatives can do wonderful things, you know!

Forever nicknamed Thuggly. <3

My mood was totally ruined when I heard about everything that happened at the mansion... Definitely brought my earlier energy down. But among the wreckage, there is still good news! Hehehe little ol' Lullaby got left behind, to my surprise. Caught her and brought her home with me like a stray cat!

I've got lots of games to play with her, lots of fun to be had! In fact, I've got some new creations I might try on her and my other guest... Hehehe oh Doctor P, you really shouldn't have scorned me so when I visited you. I have this thing about getting revenge. Did you really think you could hide from me by leaving? Didn't get far, did you. Hehehe.

So exciting.

I was feeling so scattered earlier... I hate it when that happens.

NOW I'M FEELING GOOOOOOOOOOD. Time to get started. Oh Lullaby, here I come! Hehe let me take you to my basement so you can see all the kitties I promised you...

Shady, if only you were here too. I miss you a lot. If only... Hehehe if only there was SOME WAY I could get you to come over for a visit <3 Hehehehe. I WONDER HOW I COULD GET YOU TO VISIT?

Bye for now. I've got to go entertain my guests.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Is there a Doctor in the house?

Apparently so.

Hallelujah, Doctor, you're a wily little guy aren't you. All I wanted was to ask a couple of questions, you didn't to  freak out like that... Hehehe thank buddy. I needed a thrill, you sure know how to give a guy one. I would've never expected you to have hidden that gun there... I hope you remembered to put the safety on when you put it back.

Actually, I'm a liar. I hope you forget to put the safety on. You cracked my mask with your thick skull when you headbutted me. I think some payback is necessary.

ANYHOW, I bet all of you, my adoring fans, are wondering what I'm talking about. Well, last night I decided to pay a certain Doctor who calls himself Proctor a visit. At his house. Smart right? Honestly, I don't know what possessed me to go there. Maybe I'm just lonely? The Executor has been busy lately, and I've had no official work to play with for so long. I've decided to return to my previous projects.

Shady, do you smell like mints? I had a dream last night and you were in it. You smelled like mints. I couldn't help but notice the powerful scent when I stuck my needles into your spine, filling your body with foreign chemicals and delicious toxins. The way you quaked and sputtered was so beautiful. If only dreams came true.

You're with that witch now, aren't you? Wasting your time with things to take your mind off of me. Even now,  you're thinking about me aren't you? Don't fight love, honey. Don't fight it. Or else it might kidnap you and take you to the basement for an extended vacation <3

Back to my story.

I hardly expected you to fight back, Doc. Last time I showed up at your house in pursuit of my favorite girly, you were down and out of that fight in seconds. A swift club to the head... I can't exactly remember what else I did to you.... Did I do anything else? Quick, check your wrists for scars.

This time around you actually held your own. Good boy, you're finally growing up. Sorry about breaking that mirror in your room, I didn't intend to trip over those boxes. Why the heck is that house so stuffy with cardboard? You moving? Hehehehe, duh of course you're moving. I read your blog <3 ALL THE TIME.

Getting closer to Shady, huh? HEY BUB, watch yourself. She's mine. No hanky panky or I'll screw with your anatomy. Knives can do that, you know.

Remember, alcohol heals all things. That gash in your forehead is no exception. No hard feelings?

But seriously, bringing a gun into the fight was totally unnecessary. What do you think the neighbors would think when they heard those gunshots?

Bet you've got a lot of thoughts flopping around, eh? ME TOO. One of those questions is WHY IS MY COMPUTER SO SLOW? Blogging is such a pain. But I do it for my beloved fans <3 My students. My followers.

But seriously, I bet you're wondering how I got past your security system. You're probably wondering what I could gain from showing up in your room while you were packing. You're probably wondering what my goals were. You're probably just wondering "WHY?". Well, I'm not going to tell you. In a few weeks, you'll see why. Stay tuned, kids.

Shady Shady Shady, you're very far from a lady. But I love that about you. You're so cute when you act like a monster <3

Let's NOT be friends! Come abuse me, my dear. ;) Let's play.

Speaking of playing, I've been tossing around some different chemical compounds... I've got some new things to try out when the time comes.

INNOCENT STREET WALKING CIVILIANS, BEWARE! New Jersey won't know what hit it.

I'm going to church, be back later to poke around!


Saturday, September 10, 2011


Hahahahaha oh golly guys, what's up.

Been so long. So long. Hibernation is wonderful for bears but I hate it. WHERE has the time gone????

WHERE have I gone? Hehehehehahahaha why am I so giddy? Bahaha maybe it's excitement. Excitement for what you ask? I DON'T KNOW. Hehehehehe. It think I might have lost it baby. Finally lost it. OR maybe I never had it to begin with? HAHAHAHAHA. Anyways, I think I'm the mood to play. After all this idleness, I think it's about time I got to stretch my legs... hehehe or someone else's.

Teehee, I feel like I should go kill a kitten. That's how happy I am. I'm PUMPED. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.

Executor, have you been slipping something in my drinks? Teehee, nope nope nope. No way that could be happening, cause you're all busy and crap with crap BAHAHAHAHA. Isn't that funny? Maybe not. Maybe you'll find this funnier.

I forgot my punchline. Hehehehe.

Golly, is this what happens when I get all sfdklsdkhlfsadklhf in the brain???? Hehehehe. I like it. Maybe it should happen more often.

The only downside: The lack of memory. But I can deal. YA DIG. Hehehe that's how I roll.

It's a brand new day, and I'm feel alright! I could sing. I could write goofy poems. I could get drunk off blood. <3

I can only imagine.


Been so busy, I know that. So very busy. But what have I been up to? The big man playing around with me? Teehee, it's just a conspiracy theory. Hurr durr, TheAdvocate is back baby. Why did I ever leave?

Last thing I remember was.... ooh, well I'm not gonna post that on the internet. That would be embarrassing. BUT THAT WAS SO LONG AGO.

You should all see the expression on my face. OH GEEZ. It's glorious.

Alright, well I'm posting this just to say HELLO. AND I'M BACK.

And to be frank...

I'm more magnificently twisted than ever.

It's been TOO LONG.


Sunday, July 17, 2011

Gods. Gods. Gods.

Stupid gods. How can a god be a god if that god can be overthrown? 

I hate religion. Except for the Catholics. The Crusades was the best thing done for mankind ever. Someday, I'd like to lead a crusade. It would be for a different goal, though. Who cares about any kind of god? Formaldehyde, and all the other wonderful chemicals in the world are my gods. Have you ever been fed formaldehyde? Probably not, considering you are well enough to read this blog.

Speaking of Crusades, I think my followers should spread my blog around. The good old gospel needs to be shared, or else everyone will become as pathetic and useless as you (possibly) are.

Wanna know what I did while I was away? I drove around dragging children behind my car, mangling the flesh on their body. Then, I used it to make a quilt. Then, I sent it to you. Just kidding, why would I send anything to you? I sent it to my dearest cousin, the one that doesn't know I exist yet. Or at least, not my alias. She knows the other me. The one that everyone loves and adores, the one without the mask.

Everyone has another self, we can't be seen walking around in character or else somebody who could recognize us would start making trouble for us on a daily basis. Having stalked many of the Jersey dwellers, I know for a fact that if they saw me in Wal-Mart buying toothpaste, it would cause lots of trouble for me. 

Besides, it would ruin my image. And by image, I mean the fact that I never lie. 

Guess what. I don't buy toothpaste.

High-fives to anyone who gets my comedy genius, if you don't well.. you can be fixed.

Shady Shady Shady
La La La La La
I miss you greatly. 
Like a train misses the innocent women that are tied to it's railroad tracks.

So, I have a homework assignment for all of you. Besides spreading my educational... curriculum... around, try to do some nasty deeds to your neighbors. Like I always say, sharing is caring, especially if you're sharing pain and/or a disease of some sort. 

If you haven't noticed, I'm in a very good mood today. 

The REAL homework assignment though, is to locate someone for me. I need a location. 

Could you find me the girl known as Shady Lady and her little buddy, Mystery? I'd greatly appreciate it.

Doctor Doctor! We've got an emergency!

That's right, Mr. Proctor, I've entered the hospital and I'm here for an extended duration.

Hehehe what  the heck has got me so silly, you ask? 

You'll just have to wait and see. I love suspense, don't you?

Speaking of theater, I once lit one on fire. Lots of burns involved, both for myself and for my victims. I was a bit sloppy, in my youth. The cops almost caught me, but I was able to kill all the witnesses and eliminate the evidence against me. Now, I'm sitting pretty still. I don't recall ever being caught... 

Really, what I do takes passion. It's a calling, actually. Not to mention the fringe benefits of having a boss like mine... 

Do you know my boss? You probably do if you're reading this blog.

If not, you will someday.

Defenders Against Slenders is a dorky name for a group, honey. You should change it to "OH CRAP, THEADVOCATE IS GONNA FREAKING KILL US ALL". 

Sounds a lot better, I think. When you charge your enemy, it'll be fun to scream. Hehehe.

Anyhow, why am I wasting my moment of joy with all you? I've got things to do now that I'm home. Back in Jersey.

Love the smell of blood on concrete, and let's not forget brain matter on the side.

Bye Bye Bye,

Tickle you soon, buddies. 

Monday, June 20, 2011

Dear Shady

I've never seen anyone sprint in such a fashion as you do, it was quite magnificent. A gazelle in the open plains of (wherever gazelle's can be found in abundance) comes to mind when I recall the image of your terrified face as you fled my presence. I hear that you've been reunited with your "friends". I assume you were graced with hugs and kisses, and all of the other pointless niceties upon your return. How disgusting. Your friends welcome you home, pat you on a back, congratulate you for surviving, and then delicately place a knife between your shoulder blades as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

But, I don't have to tell you about how things work, do I? I know you're a smart girl, even though you seem a bit silly and irrational. In fact, you and I have a lot in common. We could be partners, if you would stop this little game of hide and seek. I see the brutality within you, and the genius. You may even become my favorite pupil, someday. Fingers-crossed, I guess. Unfortunately, for now, you are behaving like an idiot.

I've been feeling a bit stretched, lately. This post has been written and rewritten, darling. My focus hasn't been on my students, and you've been printed behind my eyelids ever since you parted from me. So, perhaps I'll petition for a short vacation out of state so that I can get my priorities straight. Why am I telling you this? Perhaps this is a subtle way of informing my students that the teacher is giving them a few days or so of summer to enjoy. Alas, I've also been lazy with my extra-curricular activities. Some of my victims have been discovered by the Jersey police force. I've been forced to move my base of operations for now and work outside of Jersey, or risk discovery. 

It's been about a week since my last update was posted, and in that week a great deal of things have occurred. I've also spent a few empty hours reminiscing about my past, and I think I have some delightful stories to retell to my students. For now though, I have to get my head in the game and my knife out of my neighbor's throat. That is not a metaphor. 

That reminds me, I had a funny story about metaphors. I've forgotten what the story was. I think it involved cars, a boatload of gasoline, a match, a spoon, three cats, a transvestite, and a baby doll. I'm quite disappointed that I can't remember the details of it... Next time I commit an act of terrorism, I'll make sure to bring a camera. Maybe I can post it on YouTube. You people love YouTube, don't you?

On another note, I've been feeling quite humorous as of late, as you can probably tell. I was giggling in my bed all night, thinking about you and my students. And the Executor, and Mystery. I would love to meet Mystery. We should plan a play date.

Oh, and I heard you were raised roman catholic? I'm catholic!

More details on that later.

Bye for now, I have a decaying body to deal with and if I stick around for much longer I'll start rambling about something completely irrelevant (I actually have a neat story about all the ways a pencil sharpaner can be used to remove fingers, eyes, and teeth, which I was tempted to insert right here).

Have a great day, kill a few neighbors and maybe their relatives too,

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Silly Little Girls

I'm curious, are you anxious to hear of what occurred while Shady was in my care? If so, that is magnificent! I'm very pleased to hear that you are eager to learn. To an extent, I have enjoyed playing with you, promising results and yet forcing you to wait for them. I suppose I will be kind...and make you wait a little longer!

I'm a comedic genius. I was just playing with you, I'll be nice and retell the story for you.

Well, where to begin. Firstly, Shady's living conditions were the makings of a five star hotel. Quality food, air-conditioning and can I just say the staff was magnificent. Unfortunately, it seems she didn't share my views concerning the Executor's little bed and breakfast. Running away like she did and whatnot. Shady, if you are reading this I suggest you return. I miss you. If you didn't read my comment on your blog entry, you should. There were so many new games I wanted to play with you. If I was a teenage girl, I would probably insert a sad-face emoticon right now. Right there. Follow the arrow. Imagine a sad-face emoticon right there. ---> 

Anyways, what was I saying? I'm so easily distracted lately. Why? Because of silly little girls. Not to mention Victor... I don't even know what he is supposed to be. He likes to eat people, or so I've heard. I wonder if he is obese. I'm convinced he is a bored little American who wants to chase the Executor for no apparent reason.. Idiot. I think someone needs a new hobby. I rarely commit the act of cannibalism, there are too many calories and it takes to long to consume an entire human. Torture is more fun, and is definitely easier on the digestive system. 

But now back to Shady.

She was a fascinating case. I explored quite a few new and unique methods while dealing with her. 

Oh Shady, to say you were special would be an understatement.

You were a stubborn little brat. Strong-headed, and defiant, how unfortunate it was that I was forced to abide by the Executor's rules. I was so restricted. If only I could have broken your mind or your body. Either result would have satisfied me. Oh, but that couldn't be allowed... quite a shame. I was instructed repeatedly to leave your mind functioning. I had guidelines to work within. I despise guidelines. I am too creative to work inside the box.

However, I managed somehow. As I recall our time together, I almost wish I could have been allowed to push you harder. My mind is filled with all of the thoughts concerning this topic. The things we would have done together. Oh well, who can deny fate? What happens has happened, I'll have to deal with you when we encounter each other in the future.

Did you enjoy the games we played? The chemicals that flooded through your body, placing painful pressure on your sanity and weakening your resolve? I remember stroking your flesh so tenderly with my knife, eagerly sliding  a pair of needles beneath each and every fingernail, the soft heat of a lit match dancing up and down your spine, searing your flesh... and that was just the beginning. Then I explored all of the joints of your body.  How I enjoyed sliding my fingers into nerves and sending pain through you. Your expression was glorious! I really enjoyed it. Are your muscles till sore? Just wondering.

Afterwards, I retrieved my knife again. The next method you encountered is what I refer to as "700 Paper-Cuts". Sliding my dulled blade across your skin, repeatedly, never deep enough to draw blood, but just enough to case extensive pain. Seven hundred times, again and again. Then, I retraced my steps and carved new wounds into your delicate figure. Unlike the "paper-cuts" mentioned before, these were deep enough to draw a light trickle of blood. Did you like the Dora-the-Explorer band-aids I provided to control the bleeding? I though that would be a nice touch. I won't even mention how I beat you, and then dislocated your arm, that just seems like such an unimportant detail.

With all those fresh wounds and cuts, I decided to try a new trick. How did it feel when I slid those little blades of ice into the already opened wounds and allowed them to melt beneath your skin? Cold? 

What other things did I do to you? It seems like such a blur. If I am forgetting anything, please feel free to comment and I can add it to the list above.

Oh, and that baby doll I fed you. How did that taste? I had a lot of fun dissecting it, plowing it down your throat, and forcing you to chew on the plastic limbs. I was only mildly disgusted when you vomited it up. Honestly, you almost dirtied my shoes. You should have just followed my instructions and swallowed it. 

Wait, something is up. I'll be back later. I keep hearing noises outside. If Victor is trying to play games with me, I'm going to be very irritated. 

Sorry for the interruptions,
Enjoy the wonderful details

P.S. Mystery, this post is dedicated to you. Have fun.


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Tweezers & The Special Case

Well, students, you will be disappointed to learn that my employer has... misplaced... our subject of interest The Shady Lady. A shame, I really was having fun with her. She has a delightfully sour personality.

Anyhow, the Shady Lady is gone. I don't have the details to her escape, but somehow she managed to fight her way out of the Executor's little party while he was away, and flee into the woods. Seriously? What kind of an idiot flees into the woods? Oh that's right, the majority of characters casted in horror movies. Honestly, how is that working out for you so far?

I'm particularly irritated by how little time she and I managed to spend together. I love playing with my toys but she was a "Special Case", and I wasn't allowed to break her beyond repair. To prevent straining her mind too greatly, the Executor established a scheduled cycle of shifts. Before and after my shift I would take a walk in Jersey, buy a coffee, head to a local pharmacy to restock supplies, etc. It was quite relaxing. Once, I even managed to push a young teenager into the street while I was walking. A car hit him. His bones certainly had an very unique way of breaking. Of course, I wasn't caught in the act. Only an amateur would be caught while preforming such a menial task.

Which reminds me, have you ever tried to remove your father's left eye with a pair of tweezers? It's quite difficult, especially if he is alive and kicking when you try it. If you'd like, I will tell you more about this story at a later time.

Oh, and my next post will include details about the project involving Shady, and all of the fun methods of play I explored while she was in my care.

That upcoming post is dedicated to you, Mystery. I truly implore you: Enjoy it.


Monday, May 23, 2011

Tangents & Other Writings

Now, my students, I suppose you are wondering a few things.

First of all, you are most likely still wondering who I am and how I became who I am. These two questions I will answer in due time, through a long and drawn out process, which most would deem unnecessary and almost painful. I did inform you that I am a sadist, correct?

Secondly, perhaps it it has crossed your mind: What is this man's goals? What is he working for? WHO is he working for? Well, if you don't recall correctly my main goal is to educate the populace. You twisted little creatures with your ideologies and thought processes... Oh how I'd love it if you were all more like me. You should try and set a personal goal for yourself so that by the end of the week I can see your gleaming face on the evening news followed by the headliner "A tragic massacre". Or, if you are too cowardly to risk the death penalty, perhaps you could take a more subtle approach and kidnap your neighbors or your distant relatives. Send me pictures, please! I'd like to admire the work of my students.

As for WHO I am working for, you already know the answer. Take a moment and think. What came to mind? I'd like to know. Did it scare you? If so, you may be on the right track to discovering who my employer is.

I won't ask for your forgiveness if my writings seem filled with tangents. Someone once told me I had the attention span of a toddler who suffers from extreme A.D.H.D and has just devoured a candy store. I cut out his tongue, coated it in chocolate and fed it to his mother. Then, I donated the rest of him to a friend of mine who is researching cannibalism, and the effects of rabid hunger on depraved children. He sent me a recording, it was truly fascinating work.

To summarize the point of that story: Conserve resources. One victim's body can provide countless hours of entertainment. Now, I have a delightful home video of children devouring the man's limp, lifeless body. Oh, and the man was my despicable brother-in-law. Did I forget to inform you of that earlier? My bad.


My next post will be concerning the Shady Lady. I will be providing details on how I have been working with her  for the past few days to make some... conclusions...

Till then,

Recollections In Jersey

Today, I had an epiphany while walking in Jersey. I passed a locally-owned children's toy store, and upon viewing the porcelain dolls and deformed dinosaurs I felt the disgusting taste of nostalgia climbing my throat. You see, my parents never bought me toys when I was a child. Actually, they did for a short while until they realized anything they purchased would soon be... well, to summarize it, I enjoyed making adjustments to the original design. I had a fancy for removing limbs, eyes, hair and once I even managed to bake my younger sister's favorite Barbie in the oven at 400 degrees to test if it was volatile concerning extreme temperatures. I fed the disfigured remains of the melted test subject to the family dog, while allowing my sister the pleasure of watching from across the room.
     As much as I despise my family I must admit that I am fond of these childhood memories. At a young age, I was fascinated by blood, teardrops, sowing needles, internal organs, dissection, the effects of blunt force trauma, chemical poisons and toxins, and the human body in general. I found pleasure in studying pain, and how pain is caused. I pursued these things into adulthood.
     This was the first step along the path of enlightenment: realizing that organisms are made to be disassembled. Now, examining the clock, I realize there is still business to be dealt with. Look at me, sitting at a laptop writing while there is a task to be done.

I have a date with a beautiful young Lady.
Till next time,

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Today, I will be introducing humankind to a new friend. Perspective. 

However, I will provide a tinge of enlightenment beforehand.

The topics I will discuss here, held deep within the bowels of the internet, will promote the evolution of the human psyche. The process will be hell, however. Before I can expand the horizons of your mind I must break it, twist it, fold it, purge it, reforge it, and piece it back together afterwards.The majority of your friends and family will not survive the process. The philosophical and theological poison you have been forced to swallow has softened society; you and the other idiots have been bred into ignorance. You are frail-bodied and weak-minded. It is disgusting. 

On another note: If you can't handle the introduction to reality, please submit a comment. I would enjoy tutoring you personally on a regular basis. 

I support learning on the job, and so that I may set a good example for my students, I will be posting important events and experiences that occur in my daily life. If I happen to dissect any young adults or teenagers, I will post a detailed description of the process on this blog.

You might be wondering:

Who is the author of this blog, and what is he trying to "teach us"? Well, to be frank, it recently occurred to me that most people have never indulged in the blissful experiences related to outlets such as sadism and torture. I'd like to open doors and inspire my followers, as well as share the satisfaction I receive when I drive a subject to madness. 

That answers the "what?" but not the "who?".

Perhaps I should introduce myself? You may call me the Advocate. I consider myself a psychologist, a doctor, an inventor, a scientist, a politician, and an employee for those who (metaphorically) pay my bills. In reality, I do not get payed for what I do. A pity. On the other hand, I am a bit of a celebrity.
I travel abroad, and currently I am visiting the United States on a (metaphorical) business trip. A vast amount of people know about my work. In a few weeks, I will be renowned in New Jersey.

If you have any questions about who I am or what I do specifically, feel free to ask. Of course, you'd have to be an idiot to not understand what I do for a hobby. If you are an idiot, you have most likely missed the point of this first post. 

On a final note: I will be dulling a pair of scissors later today for an upcoming project.. I am quite bored as of late. I will post more information about myself, what I do, what I will teach you, etc. very soon.