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Professional sadist. I like playing with chemicals and needles.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Dear Shady

I've never seen anyone sprint in such a fashion as you do, it was quite magnificent. A gazelle in the open plains of (wherever gazelle's can be found in abundance) comes to mind when I recall the image of your terrified face as you fled my presence. I hear that you've been reunited with your "friends". I assume you were graced with hugs and kisses, and all of the other pointless niceties upon your return. How disgusting. Your friends welcome you home, pat you on a back, congratulate you for surviving, and then delicately place a knife between your shoulder blades as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

But, I don't have to tell you about how things work, do I? I know you're a smart girl, even though you seem a bit silly and irrational. In fact, you and I have a lot in common. We could be partners, if you would stop this little game of hide and seek. I see the brutality within you, and the genius. You may even become my favorite pupil, someday. Fingers-crossed, I guess. Unfortunately, for now, you are behaving like an idiot.

I've been feeling a bit stretched, lately. This post has been written and rewritten, darling. My focus hasn't been on my students, and you've been printed behind my eyelids ever since you parted from me. So, perhaps I'll petition for a short vacation out of state so that I can get my priorities straight. Why am I telling you this? Perhaps this is a subtle way of informing my students that the teacher is giving them a few days or so of summer to enjoy. Alas, I've also been lazy with my extra-curricular activities. Some of my victims have been discovered by the Jersey police force. I've been forced to move my base of operations for now and work outside of Jersey, or risk discovery. 

It's been about a week since my last update was posted, and in that week a great deal of things have occurred. I've also spent a few empty hours reminiscing about my past, and I think I have some delightful stories to retell to my students. For now though, I have to get my head in the game and my knife out of my neighbor's throat. That is not a metaphor. 

That reminds me, I had a funny story about metaphors. I've forgotten what the story was. I think it involved cars, a boatload of gasoline, a match, a spoon, three cats, a transvestite, and a baby doll. I'm quite disappointed that I can't remember the details of it... Next time I commit an act of terrorism, I'll make sure to bring a camera. Maybe I can post it on YouTube. You people love YouTube, don't you?

On another note, I've been feeling quite humorous as of late, as you can probably tell. I was giggling in my bed all night, thinking about you and my students. And the Executor, and Mystery. I would love to meet Mystery. We should plan a play date.

Oh, and I heard you were raised roman catholic? I'm catholic!

More details on that later.

Bye for now, I have a decaying body to deal with and if I stick around for much longer I'll start rambling about something completely irrelevant (I actually have a neat story about all the ways a pencil sharpaner can be used to remove fingers, eyes, and teeth, which I was tempted to insert right here).

Have a great day, kill a few neighbors and maybe their relatives too,


  1. Dear Advocate,

    You are a creepy liitle fuck. You know that? You have to be the only creepy thing I really don't like. Your pupil? Really? Really... You think I'd ever give into that? And you call me the idiot, tsk.

    Oh goodie, you are disappearing for a bit. Reading about me on your mind is just wrong. I feel like I need to shower, in fact I am going to go and do just that in a moment.

    Your idea of a play date isn't something Mystery would approve of nor tolerate. I consider that a threat to my friend. You go near her and I'll replace your eyeballs with your testicles.

    Ughs, stop trying to make comparisons, Advocate. Not pleasant. I may have been raised Roman Catholic but it doesn't mean anything. The thought of you being it well... Disturbing and fitting. And you really need to stop getting giddy over the smallest similarities.

    Just lay back down in bed, maybe suffocate yourself with a pillow, yea? Super.

  2. You are disgusting. How did you get in my house????

  3. Doctor? You are alive?! What the hell? I mean, yes, good, glad you are still breathing; but how?

  4. Awwww how cute. It's a reunion <3

    Look at me, you've made me get all goofy.

    Oh, and if you didn't notice. I'm back. And I'm feeling good. Very good.

    Honestly, I'm in a pretty good mood to even consider typing a heart symbol and posting it on the internet where others can see it...

  5. God, I don't know what's worse. You being in a good mood or your usual one. Not even going to ask.

    I will ask why you left the Doc. alive, though. Doesn't seem like your thing, Advocate. So, why did you let him live?